why am I single

1. I was brought up in a way and with a belief that girls are the alien creatures on this earth (my ma and my grand ma were the only two women, whom I had talked in my childhood.).

2. When I was in primary school, there were separate rows where girls and boys sit, it confirmed the belief within me.

3. When I was in high school, I chose engineering and I had 1 gal in the class of 33 boys. That was an overwhelming experience, it cemented the earlier belief and created a new belief that women probably dont exist in the direction of life I like.

4. The later thought was firmed when I went to college, where I found 7 gals in a batch of 133 boys. And I am doing a really great favour by calling them gals, my friends used to call them non-males, uncle etc.

5. I joined a place to work, and the ratio was still the same. Plus, its not recommended to flirt at your work place, forget it whom am I kidding, as if I am an expert at flirting. So, in short, another year passed just like that.

6. By, the time I landed in the land of opportunities, I had become UNFIT for dating. I didnt had a chance to get trained in
talking silly things,
lieing,
smiling uselessly,
be a good listener to most trivial things,
sometimes behave servantile,

all the things a typical girl enjoys. Instead I have become quite forthright, uncapable of formal talk. I cant pretend of interest for the sake of sex. My behavior has become a result of my thought process, I have lost that power to manipulatation, and sometimes I miss it.

And now I want to pat myself for writing another honest post.

orgasms ?

A friend of mine once said, "orgasms display the emptiness of our life". It is indeed true, since only few moments are really blissful, and rest of our life is empty. And,
we keep trying to fill it up joys and sorrows. The interesting part is that the orgasmic moments are only few, or quite few and rest of the life is too long to live. So, orgasms are a stark and harsh reality of our painful life in an ironical sense.

I believe orgasm is the greatest discovery made by man (or a woman), since we cant live without it. And it is not as trivial as breathing, so it is a discovery and something indispensable, for sure. It gives us an indication, that how much bliss remains unexplored by us, and with a little effort in a direction, we can have it.

But, for most of us, orgasm is limited within those few moments. I think it is a clue to reach the state of bliss, where the orgasmic feeling can last for longer time, or lets hope forever. I am sure, there is something is like that, because that is what the purpose of our life is to explore and find out the divine, the blissful, the all pervasive, the ONE.

Believer

Why should I believe in God,
when I am responsible for my own destiny
when there is so much cruelty in the world
when Lie wins and Truth loses.
when all my pleasures are driven by materials
when I know, I have faced unluck throughout my life
when I am not afraid of anything
when I dont want to believe in something I dont see
when religion is the sole cause of so many wars, deaths and destruction
when religion takes my freedom away, which I value most
when religion seems just fictional and nothing else.
when I havent seen any magic of god with my eyes.

Still I choose to believe in god,
because I believe there is little goodness in the world, which is the glue for civilization.
because it is the only path of peace and only way to get out of the unrest of human mind.
because it gives infinite confidence, power and conviction.
because it soothes the soul
because it makes me feel secure, nothing can scath me.
because even after lot of inequalities, there is a balance in the world, everything is perfect.
because it restores humility
because I can feel it sometimes, in art, in emotions, in people, in joys, in sorrows.
because I feel the difference in me when I believe in it.
because it gives me immense joy
because it makes me listen to my heart, to my soul.
because it makes me more like a woman
because it gives me the hope to live and wait for the big moment.

Why did you do it, BBC ?

Why did you uncover indian men, like this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6161691.stm

Ghar ki Izzat ghar mein rahti to acha tha, now everyone knows it. Can you believe it, everyone. The non-indians you hang out with, the firang girl you were trying to hit on. Get ready, to become an object of pity.

Now, I will feel awkward to enter into bars and get pathetic looks. Never fast with strange women, now the little confidence is also crushed. After all, there is no surprise left, as soon they gonna know he is indian, they will scroll down and ... and laugh like bitches.

..... to be continued with the reactions I get from people.

a love story

there was a girl, normal girl. Not a princess, not even rich. But was pretty, was blessed. she didnt know about it, she always thought shes cursed. cause she had pimples on one of her cheek. and she didnt have money to buy those expensive medicines.

there was a guy, quite similar to me, but not me. he was a child, from within. he always thought he is blessed, cause everyone around him loved him obsessively. but he loved this girl. he had a wish, simple but he didnt want to die before doing it.
he wanted to kiss her, since he was 3.

the day came when there eyes met, and rest of the story is quite known in history. he kissed her that night. the next morning, the princess woke up and her pimples were gone, she was elated. she turned around to tell the guy, but she was shocked in horror to see him.

--

see saw of the life

I want to list some of the lines of songs which all of us feel so much and artists put it so truly:

1. sometimes up, sometimes down .. its the see saw of the life (vivek sharma)
2. time can bring you down, time can bend your knees (eric clapton)
3. blowing in the wind (bob dylan)
4. life is nothing, but a joke (bob dylan)
5. and one day you find, ten years have past behind you, no one told you when to run, you miss the starting gun (roger waters)
6. riders on the storm .. like a dog without a bone and.. (Jim Morrison)
7. no eternal reward will forgive for wasting the dawn (Jim Morrison)
8. All you need is love (Beatles)
9. Give me love, Give me peace on earth (George Harrison)
10. I am a dreamer, I know I am not the only one (John Lennon)
11. Woman, I will show the child inside a man (John Lennon)
12. Nobody loves you when you are down and out (Eric Clapton)
13. ?

Aspiring cops go on rampage, molest girls

Here is the link to the article: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/334717.cms

Some boys from village goto a forest, and grab the low lying fruits from the trees.

Water is above the drowning level, some are already dead, and rest who think they are not, ironically, have died million times.

I Confess

I stink, but not from within.
I am rude, but not arrogant.
I love to be hated, but I dont hate anyone.
I know I am a loser, but I dont bother about it.
I am shy, but not through eyes.
I know I am an actor, but I love to play depressed characters.
I have a cute smile, but I love to cry.
I know I am tasting dirt, but I love to watch stars.
I love to be alone, even when I am surrounded with people.
I prefer unexpected defeat over expected victory.
I love to go down and then show that I am not out.
I know my life lacks joys, still I long for peace and not joys.
I know I am not going to win, but I want to die as a hero.
I am broken, and I need you.

Give me Love

Its another day of frustration. Everything I should care about is going on fine, still I feel like falling in an abyss, freefall. I feel scared and demented.

I am trying to know the reason for this, is it unfullfillment of my desires or their partial fullfillment or it is because my running after them. Not caring for the small things that matter, they look really small and I feel contempt towards them sometimes. But at times like these, I feel they are my only saving grace.

I need help, love to cope with with this heavy load. I need peace and nothing else. No moments to celebrate or mourn, nobody to hurt or embrace. But, I do need hope otherwise I will be dead before I am dead.

I wish I could be born again and dream again about the small things only, which really matter.

Love and Peace

Truth and Lies, Joys and Sorrows, and above all Life.

This post is dedicated to Buntu (a good friend of mine), it his idea, I am writing my interpretation of it.

When I was a kid, I was encouraged to be always Confident and Positive towards life. Have a good personality, be smart, have fun and live your life to the fullest. Thats how I grew up, setting up ambitions, working hard to get them, sometimes ending up across the line and most of the times, short of it. Then enjoying whenever I could, party, travel, hanging out with beer glasses on. Life was like a roller coster, ups and down, sky and ground. Carefree days, with heart warming friends, full of curiosity, jumping around, desiring to hump around. I was really a kid, not knowing where am I going. Life was cruising and I was growing.

Then came a point, I became conscious. A realization came and took all the curiosity away. In a while, all the childhood was gone. No jumping, not much of curiosity left, numbness is what surrounds. I started becoming more aware of the social set up. I started reasoning, every little thing. Why are people better to themselves, why are they nice to some people and not so to other. Why all of us are hypocrites, even though most of us hate hypocrisies, lies. Even though the curiosity was gone, hunger is still there. Hunger for natural tears and smiles, conversation about small things which matter. The longing grows and so does contempt about everything around.

Then, there is another realization, which says like contempt about everything you consider wrong or false, is not the way of living. Life is above everything, we cant rise above joys and sorrows, we cant find the truth, if there is any. We are in a train ride and our vagon stops at various stops. Some are known, some are not. And it is known, there is always beyond what we know. So, life is about the choices we make, the stops we want to get down. No stop is better in absolute terms, so even if you have missed a stop, there is another round the corner waiting to welcome you.

My Way

How many times have I been got kicked in nuts, because of the mistakes unique to me. I wonder why am being made uniquely stupid.. why cant I not commit mistakes which most of people find it hard to commit. Why dont I change myself so that I can recieve maximum brownie points, this life has to offer me. Why dont I get dissolved in the air around me, why .. numerous whys and the answer my friend is because I want to do things my WAY.

It does not matter, how much I got or lost, but what matters is how much exploration I did and this is a metaphysical exploration. There are times when you love even the sorrows of your life, this is called loving the life and this is when you tend to respect its sacredness. Because, sorrows help you exploration of a different dimention, and being happy in a sorrowful situation is a insane state which is magical and transcendental. This is when you start to love, everything, everyone because everything is divine, including this moment. This is like living in subconscious, excepting everything around you as it is and getting dissolved in everything without loosing yourself.

This is my way of loving life and everything which it has to offer me. I am a seeker not a snatcher, am a pacifist, a rebel who wants to break the illusions. My aim is unknown, there is lot of fog wherever I try to see. I dont know whether there is any purpose of life, if there was then what if I die before completing it, I am pretty sure someone else would finish it. If Newton had not discovered gravity, someone else wud have some time in future. Hence, there is no pupose, but surely there is a way of life which is something unique to all of us. All of us have to find our way of life and dont judje anyone elses. It is a continuous process of search until we find peace, harmony, goodness, divinity in everything. For this, we have to be non-religious since every religion forces us to confirm us to a way of life. Its not that any religions path is bad, but it prevents you from the path of self discovery.

This what I mean by My Way.

ps: The title is a jazz song by Frank Sinatra.

Women and Cuisines

The two greatest desires of any man: sex and food or lets put it in a different and less conspicuous way: Women and Cuisines. There are hell lot of varieties of both out there and if we try to compare, they have interesting similarities.

The most commonly found women are womenly women. They are like deserts, cloyingly sweet, sometimes really awesome in taste (or in bed). They look damn attractive and if you didnt have one such for a while, you are bound to fall for it. All is well, if you dont want anything more. They are too predictable and they cant offer more than lot of sweet love and really pretty flesh. So is the case with desert, is only good to eat after dinner, you cant live on it like for your complete meal. So, if you want something more than physical connection, they are not a perfect choice.

The next in the category are spicy food. Its hot, sometimes really hot, and so is she: the spice girl. She may not be pretty, but is more active in bed. But, there is a caveat, its more demanding and you gotta have a taste for real spice. Most of men can afford it once in a while cause they are tough of handle or digest.

Like this, there are other categories of food and women, off which one seems really interesting to me. This is my favourite category, the women who are addictive. I would compare them with coffee, tobacco, dope or some other similar substance. They first bind with you physically, then mentally and eventually meta-physically. It starts with a passionate love, and then it goes deeper from body to mind and then comes the stage of addiction. Just like any other addiction, once you reach here, it is impossible to live without them. They counter you not just physically, but they get into your mind and its difficult to get them out. Now, they become one of the most dangerous and yet irrestible kind. They can give you orgasms and also depressions like you had never dreamt of before. Each moment with her is very sublime. These women are passionate or may be freakily passionate, whimsical at times but always interesting and either immensely attractive or repelling. They can love you by defining new dimentions of love and at the same time break your balls, harm you till any limit.

They are usually intelligent, sensitive never arrogant or shallow kind of women who most of the times command great deal of respect because of their actions and also hate because of forthrightness. Infact, there can be a subdivision in the category, depending on the level of addiction, just like we can say dope, tobacco and coffee are addictive in this order and also harmful in some order. Its easy not to fall for these women, but once you do, there is no way out to sanity. I just love this category of women/cuisine, for their power, passion and purpose.

To kill a sacred cow

I read somewhere "sacred cows make the best Hamburgers". I dont want to go into the go into the debate of justification of eating of non-vegetarian food. But, there is some saying in Hinduism, which has been widely misunderstood and I will try to give my interpretation of it.

The saying is: "Cows are sacred and we should protect them". Its most popularly understood interpretation is that, Cow, the animal is sacred and it should not be harmed. To a free thinker, this would sound completely absurd since, off all the living animals, how come cows are sacred, why are they better than any other animal. This was the reason I never beleived in this saying and till I was a non-vegetarian, never hasitated in eating beef.

But, there is another perspective to this saying which is more implicit. It means that Cow resembles a class of creatures, which are not only harmless to you, but most of the times they are useful. We do get milk from Cows, so they have atleast one utility. Killing anyone without any reason is a sin, but if you kill someone from the category of "Cow", the gravity of sin increases manifold. Because, it is like this use the creature till you can and then slaughter it so that we can completely suck up to advantages we can gain. I got this meaning after reading "To kill a mocking bird", which also underlines the same principal. They give this idea with reference to an african american, and I am just trying to generalize it.

And She has a boy friend ...

Dont ask me how they greet ... I turned my eyes towards this almost naked mexican babe who was having some sun... Thats how most of the love stories end ... or begin I should say ... I am coming honey to share some sun with ya.

Current Mood: Grounded and Happy ... kudos to my habit of being most happy in sorrows.

She lives on the love street ..

Well.. I am not sure about that but she works on the college ave and I am waiting outside her workplace so that she can come out and I could follow her and do something interesting .. this is like an adventure .. I have a kind of rush of blood and am not sure ... how will it turn out to be .. will definitely write about it .. I hope the atleast I get a chance to talk ..

Thats all for now ..

see u .. here is she .. gotta run ...

Work Hard, Party Harder, And die one day

Just a thought on the popular mantra of life: Work Hard, Party Harder. It is supposed to be the buzz word among the so called "successful" people of this world. So, I completely agree with the first part, even though the second seems to be more fun. But for the sake of idealism, which I am big fan of, I would stick with the first one. But, the origin of the second part is that first one is not fun for most of the people.

From my observation, I guess we spend like 70% of our time working. So, what we try to do is to compensate for our miserable 70% of time by doing something which can make us numb, get high so that we can forget the fact that we are slaves to the system of this world. By, slaves I mean, following the set path without giving it a thought. I have done that so far and am pretty confident that I will do it until I die like anyone else and I dont know what happens afterwards.

So, the idea of partying every weekend seems to be like enjoying or mourning the occasion of either we have been excellent slaves or rather disgusting ones. In the sense of this post, both of the situations are alike, more or less.

Ideally, the mantra can be: Work Hard, Work Harder. But, it is not easy to obey. You have to believe in it and more importantly, you have to love your work. The ones who do that are the ones who are not slaves, but the ones who write their own destiny. It is not easy to identify them, they dont party, dont socialise much. They prefer to socialise with their work only, they are the champions.

The girl with a sullen face ...

I dont know why dont women understand the greatest jewel they have is a smile, and not any shiny looking substance promoted by some well known woman. Its like a natural ornament women are blessed with but I dont know due to some reason, they dont use it, all the time. Its like wasted time .. for the giver and the taker both.

Even though the post is general but the reason I am writing this is cause I have been made uncomfortable twice by some women whom I barely know, just because may be I have had the opportunity of being hated. Well, I dont mind that cause I dont beleive in love and so in hate, I think they are signs of insanity...

So, a short post to all the women, girls who are reading it, please pass a smile atleast to acquinted people, if not at everyone. This doesnt takes anything but just spreads a goodness around you.

Another useless day of existence

dont know .. but life is not easy when your you dont get what you want. Or may be lets pur this way.. you dont want what is available.. maybe just because its available. People think you are crazy, insane, mania... But believe me the realisation of a useless day and also a useless life is not interesting. It kills you. Have you ever had a feeling of being sick of following your desires .. working for them, fighting for them and most of the times, left without orgasm.

Life is beautiful, when you can appreciate everything you can have: money, good food, sex, entertaining friends, but what if you cannot ? Here lies the challange of living in a cosmic yet real world.

It is then, you realise how useless each day has passed just embroiled in things we are not sure we like. This is what I am going through, always without love and most of the times without knowledge. I am trying hard to keep the interest going, to be other side, but a little slip and you come back to where you started from .. useless day.

Wish it doesnt comes again, more importantly even if it comes, it goes away soon ..
will continue this ..

Women with Authority

I had to face some of these cocky creatures since yesterday. Was living in someone elses apartment in on campus graduate housing. The women basically being irrational, cant make right use of the authority, but thanks to the whole women liberation movements, which have given them lot of power these days, well not lot really, but the way they use it makes it a lot. I have my experiences to emphasis this,

At first, when "she" found out this, she said, just move out and we cant talk to you since you are not the defaulter, the person whose place I was living in is. I just asked her to be less strict with my friend. Then later, when I asked her whether I can apply for the housing now, since I am homeless for now, she said, well you have done a huge violation, so we cant offer you housing now. So, now I was the defaulter, I didnt say it to her cause I knew her rationality level.

Then she gave me 1 hr for moving out and said she would collect the keys from me from the place I was moving out. She didnt come in 1.15 hr, I was in hurry cause I had to look for a house, so I went to search for a house thinking that I can return the keys tomarrow, its not a big deal because I had already moved out.

But, the next day, when I call her, she said that she went to my place 3 times after 1.15 hrs and once before (I am not sure about that), and she blamed me for evading her. I wait for her 15 mins more than promised and she doesnt turns up and I get blamed for evading her cause she came thrice aftarwards. Women are nice creatures, only if they dont have the authority.

She asks me to pay the amount for the # of days I have lived on campus without telling the housing, thats alright. I thought now I have paid for my "violation of law", but now I ask for summer housing and she says, we cant offer you one, even though lot of rooms are vacant. Great Business sense, I must say dont take money, even though the rent is much more than the off campus one.

So, we started from my friend being defaulter and not me and ended up I paying the fine and not allowed to get housing for summer. This is not a morality question that who is the defaulter, but what people say in the beginning and what they end up doing.

I cant hope that women will gain rationality but I do hope they dont get much authority.

ps: If anyone around in NB or Piscataway has a room for rent, let me know please.

About Me

This is the question which I am really sick of answering. They ask it everywhere: interviews, orkut, interesting women. So, I thought, lets finally try to answer this with the best honesty. I wont delve upon any acquired things like educational interests, even though I like the freedom of educational places. Not many people would agree with me, and I dont even try to do that. I will start from outside and go inside from there.

I have a body of a Man. About it, all of them are just regular masculine characterstics, with the exception of long hairs. I like masculine appearance, so I support beard and moustache, not stylish just bushy. The reason of this is may be to earn respect in academia, you need it :D. Plus, it gives an artistic/philosophical appearance, which to me is always welcome.

My heart, something which is very dear to me. It is pure and absolute feminine. I dont feel even a lil shame in this, because thats what I am. It is sensitive, warm and shy. One of my female friend had commented: I am her best budd, I guess the reason is because my heart can get in sync with most of the women pretty easily. Also, some of my interests like reading, talking, theaters and arts, are feminine (I dont mean that men dont have these interests, but I believe its more popular in women). But, I dont like shopping most of times, so there are differences.

My Mind, is sometimes a wild horse. It believes in rebellion, most of the times it is he who controls me, even though I want it to be otherway round. This is specially true, when I am weeded or some other similar influence. Most of times, I cant focus on things, which I should. My greatest desire is to tame it and give it to my soul. There are some known ways of doing it, one I know is YOGA, which is in my todo list. I think I dont know my mind, its deceptive to me and it is destabilizingly fickle.

My Soul, is I believe sincere to some limit but is clownish eventually. Its like most of the times, it is commited for any cause, but in the end, it cracks and it becomes a thing to laugh for watchers. So, it tries hard but ends being a object of mockery.

I am not sure, if it is a nice or absolutely true description, but I guess it is interesting atleast. It is interesting to dissect yourself into these four things and do some analysis. Any Comments ?