This is the toughest times of my life when I am struggling against myself. My body and my soul are discordent. What I believe in, I am not acting according to it, there is a broad contradiction in me, and someone who cannot stand anybody else's contradiction has to stand his own. May be it is because I am killing my natural insticts, is it worthwhile doing it? I dont know. But do I want to do it? May be Yes, for something unknown, something which is divine or sacred or cosmic or eternal. The child has to die, and the man has to come out. And this seems to be the correct time for this, things are ready and waiting to welcome him.
Is it good for me, I dont know but I know I want this to happen because the rebillion inside me has to calm down and this seems to be the only plausible state where this can happen. I am amazed by life and how it forces you to change, life is dynamic will be an understatement. Life to me is like a hiking experience, but I want to reach the peak before liberating. I want to expirience the greatest high, possibly the life can give me.
This struggle is like the struggle you have to do when you shift from a less slanting trail to the more one, so it is quite possible that the trail is endless and so is this struggle. But, I am hoping for the next minute of absolute stillness.
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